When You Care For a Broken Man

Whatever it is, whatever happened to him, whatever he is going through, whatever haunts him and controls him- it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with me. Nothing- because it happened before I entered his life. Everything- because I want to fix him, or help him, or wonder why I am not enough, why can't I be the one to mend his broken heart. I have known all along that this is someone with a soul in pieces. Someone with little affection and stability to give me- yet I still try. Caring for a broken man is a journey. The only problem is there is no definite outcome of happiness and no guaranteed time frame of when (if ever) we will reach the other side. Because of this I tend to cling to hope and live in the future of "when" rather than addressing the reality of "it is". He will inevitably learn to love himself. But in the mean time, I will be his friend. I will help him find beauty in the darkness. I will show him what it means to have a "teammate". I will show him that he is still worth loving, even on his hardest days. And if it's right-if I am truly the one his heart wants- he'll come around when he's ready to love and be loved. I have learned that if you truly believe in a man, you can't sit around and wait for him to love himself. Instead, you just have to love YOURSELF. Everything else will work out the way it's supposed to. I will continue to care fiercely and love passionately, because that's all I know to do.

Self worth is vital to my happiness.

I fell hard and fast. He won me over with his words. He gave me the affection and attention I desperately needed. I ignored the red flags because I wanted to believe the good in him. I wanted to save him. I wanted to show him what it felt like to truly truly be loved. But you can't save someone who doesn't even know they need to be saved. You can't love someone who doesn't know what it means to truly love someone in return. Today I am grateful for being a strong woman. Today I am grateful that I value myself enough to know that I deserve better. Today I am grateful for the people that are now in my life because of him. Today I am grateful for being sane enough and smart enough to walk away. To the "man" that can still sleep peacefully at night after wreaking havoc in my life...I used to think you took my breath away..but now.. I realize I was just being suffocated by your lies. To the "man" that runs from everything that could be good in his life..you will need me before I will ever need you. To the "man" who lies more than tells the truth, Thank you. Thank you for being the stepping stone to my victory. You brought me home to my friends and family. I will continue to take risks. Nothing great happens without it. Next....!!!

The soul always knows what to do...the challenge is silencing the mind.

"Holy Shit." <------My thoughts as my knuckles were turning white from gripping the steering wheel. I was approaching Hollywood on the 101 Freeway during rush hour..for the first time. It was October 15th, 2001. I was 22 years old. I had $220 in my pocket and every article of clothing I owned packed in my car. I had no job. I had no place to live. I had my car, my clothes and the will to survive. I worked 3 jobs. I slept on people's couches. I slept in my car. I spent $20 a week on groceries..cheese quesadillas and peanut butter/jelly sandwiches. Once I got an apartment, I slept on a matteress on the floor. I had no furniture. I cried..alot. There was something inside my soul that wouldn't let me give up. I was going to make it and I refused to think anything different. I want THAT girl back. THAT girl was brave. SHE wasn't afraid to go after what she wanted. SHE wouldn't settle for the same ole' same ole'. I want more. My 22 year old inner self DESERVES more. Somewhere along the way that fire in my soul died, and I want it back! I am tired of having the same goals every year. No one can change that but me. So here it is: Health- I want to lose 50 more lbs. Education- I want to AT LEAST finish my general education credits. Relationships- I want to restore the passion in my marriage. I want to make more time for the people I care about. I also want to let go of people that don't add value to my life. So get ready. The most powerful force on earth is a human soul on fire.

A Grandmother's Love...

If you know me at all, then you know that my grandmother was my hero. My grandmother, also known as "Mama Kate", passed away in 2008 , and my heart has never quite been the same. I always miss her the most around this time of year as her birthday and other holidays approach. Let me tell you a few things about this amazing woman....She made me dresses for every Easter and Christmas. She made the best corn pudding and coconut cake. She mailed John a cake from TN to California for his birthday. She came to my volleyball and softball games. She shuttled me to my gymnastics classes. No one could rub my back like Mama Kate. We went to the ballet and plays. After I crashed my car, she drove me to work at 2am until my car was fixed. Mama Kate never met a stranger, she spoke to everyone as though they were her friend. She was the perfect example of unconditional love. I think of my grandmother often during this spiritual journey I am on. My Mama Kate was a solid believer of God. She was a devoted church member, yet she never ever judged me for my "less Christian like" decisions. I remember going to church with her when I was little and how much she loved introducing me to her friends. "This is my first born granddaughter, Lisa Kate." she would proudly say. I would stand up tall and beam with pride. Even though she had a master's degree in Christian Education she never stopped learning about God. She asked questions and yearned for more knowledge and understanding. As I am learning about God and trying to understand this massive love He has for me... I think about my grandmother and it makes it a little easier for me to grasp. I feel like that is how much she loved me. I have spent the last 5 years wishing I could hear her voice or see her face, just one more time.(even if it's in my dreams) But I don't. Not once. I picture her chatting it up with other angels in heaven, talking about her grandkids. "That Lisa Kate of yours is doing just fine.", they would say. Maybe I am doing just fine. I am still not sure how this heaven thing works, but if she can see or hear me... I hope she is still proud of her first born. I hope Mia thinks of me as HER "Mama Kate" someday.

Are you there, God? It's me, Lisa.

So, most of you know I am on a spiritual journey. For the longest time I have despised "organized religion". I have watched "Christians" preach hate and intolerance. I have questioned the existence of a higher power. I mean, how could this awesome being everyone keeps talking about allow such awful things to happen? God is confusing. He's also very sneaky. Today's message at church was "Words create worlds" and the power of using your words. I love when I can relate the message to my life,(Thanks Caleb!) and it reminded me of the first time I spoke out loud to God. It was 4 years ago and my sister was still deep into her addiction to drugs. I remember I was driving to work just thinking about her and crying (I did that often). I decided the only thing left I could do was to ask God to help her. I said out loud in the car "God, if you are real, PLEASE help my sister. I don't know what else to do. Just HELP her." Now, God could have just said "ok, Lisa- you got it." and be done with it. Nope. That's not what happened. He sent Mia instead. My sweet little innocent 6 year old niece. I was an instant parent. My focus of being angry at my sister and angry at my parents changed to joy and love for this beautiful little girl. Now with her daughter close by, Mary eventually found sobriety. We needed Mia, just has much as Mia needed us. Only God knew that. Our family is healing. I NOW believe that God heard my desperate prayer that day. Words ARE powerful. My heart will remain open and I will continue to learn and try to understand the power of Faith. I owe that much to the Big Guy. xoxox

6 things I have learned after 6 years of awesome,miserable, fun, sad, FUNNY years of marriage.....

Our anniversary is on Sunday, so I thought I would share some things I have learned about marriage. (warning..PG-13 language.) 1. We are different. I watch college football, John watches documentaries about air guitar competitions. He likes his meat bloody rare and I'd rather eat burnt steak. I like to paint my nails, wear makeup and feel pretty. John will wear a tshirt until it is LITERALLY falling apart. It's ok to be different. 2.Sometimes it's better to go to bed angry. Going to bed mad is WAY better than calling John an "annoying f@#king a-hole". Just sayin'. 3.When you are married, sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. SUCK.IT.UP. 4. Having and MAINTAINING a good sense of humor is really more important than how often you have sex. I mean, there are tools to help with the sex...if you can't laugh about shit (usually shit that really sucks) the sex won't happen anyway. Truth. 5. My husband CAN NOT satisfy my emotional needs. Ever. That's what my girlfriends are for. 6.I'm really not THAT great to be married to. I'd like to think that I am bomb diggity and John really lucked out in scoring a wife like me. But to be honest...I can be a real bitch. So many life changes since we met 11 years ago. Marriage is hard. Like really hard. Even through the ups and downs...He is still the one. Happy Anniversary to us.

Being a better friend...

Being a friend isn't just something that we do. It's a skill that we can learn and improve upon. I have learned many things over the past years about people and friendships. I have learned that some people value friendships less than others. I have learned that my childhood best friends will do just about anything for me, even though our lives are very different, our bond has never wavered. I have learned that MOST people in California are too busy to have the friendships that I had experienced in TN. I have also learned that I have different KINDS of friends. I have friends that I can cry to about anything and I know no matter what they are on my side. I have friends that make me laugh, and are fun to be around but I wouldn't tell them my deep dark secrets. (not that I have any haha) I have accepted the fact that I can not hold all my friends to the same expectations. I am sure I have let people down as well, and for that I am sorry. Friendship is important to me and I am going to try harder. These are three things that will help me be a better friend:

* I am going to like myself more.

When we genuinely like ourselves, we become more attractive to other people. We have more to offer others because we are not constantly focused on our own image and reputation. We become better friends because we don't cling. We are secure enough to spend time with a friend because we want to, not because we need to.

*Not all my friends will be the friend I need ALL the time

Some are good for laughter some are good for tears. It's ok if they can't give you advice during a difficult period.... but they might be able to make you laugh.
Relationships among true friends take a steady dose of time and energy--two resources in limited supply for all of us. I will identify the friends with whom I wish to create a closer bond. The closeness of my connections are far more important than the length of my guest lists.

*Make time!

Friends are important in many ways--so much so that these relationships often take on a life of their own. I owe it to myself (and to my friends) to make these relationships a priority.

To my besties, that never let me down....Thanks for being the pee in my pants.